I'm in a Very Bad State these days. Sometimes it isn't so hard, sometimes it is. I am very afraid right now of some things that I am working on with my therapist (the one who is the World's Best Therapist). I'm working on why I don't feel like I belong anywhere.
Not feeling like I belong to a place or a group or a club has made me into a hermit. I am so afraid to commit to being in something or to going somewhere because it might be excruciating. I am not shy. I am seldom at a loss for words, I can carry my own in any cocktail conversation. I strike up conversations with people in the grocery store line. I come off as open and friendly. And in my heart/head I feel open and friendly.
But there are these fears. This terrified seventh grade feeling that I Don't Belong, that I will never belong, that there is something wrong with me that would make it impossible for me to belong.
I can't explain it well. I can hope that the work I'm doing in therapy will help -- reliving some seminal events in my life in an attempt to desensitize me to feeling so distraught about not fitting in.
A good example is the other BPD tribe. I wanted to Fit In there, but I don't. I can't handle sanctimony, I hate it when people tell me to just buck up or just accept responsibility for this. I think they think that is what it would take. I have the strongest will of anyone I've ever known, but I can't will myself not to feel things I feel! And with a few exceptions I am not able to control how my feelings sometimes take me over and drag me by the nose and put me in all kinds of places and situations I don't want to be in.
My husband and I were going camping this weekend; I wanted to go but I was afraid -- I haven't had great experiences wtih this particular crowd though they advertise themselves as "radical inclusionaries." The afternoon he was to leave, I called him and said "I don't want you to go." What I meant to say, what I had called to say was "I want to go, too. I don't want you to leave me alone, I would feel really left out of the whole thing, of your whole life if you leave me alone." (Yes, I know, I was engaging in black and white thinking - it's something I do and I am usually not aware of it while I'm doing it. Bottom line is my fears took over and made me try to get him not to go, effectively making him angry at me and not all that interested in being with me in any place for any amount of time. :(
Anyway, how are you?
Kristine
Not feeling like I belong to a place or a group or a club has made me into a hermit. I am so afraid to commit to being in something or to going somewhere because it might be excruciating. I am not shy. I am seldom at a loss for words, I can carry my own in any cocktail conversation. I strike up conversations with people in the grocery store line. I come off as open and friendly. And in my heart/head I feel open and friendly.
But there are these fears. This terrified seventh grade feeling that I Don't Belong, that I will never belong, that there is something wrong with me that would make it impossible for me to belong.
I can't explain it well. I can hope that the work I'm doing in therapy will help -- reliving some seminal events in my life in an attempt to desensitize me to feeling so distraught about not fitting in.
A good example is the other BPD tribe. I wanted to Fit In there, but I don't. I can't handle sanctimony, I hate it when people tell me to just buck up or just accept responsibility for this. I think they think that is what it would take. I have the strongest will of anyone I've ever known, but I can't will myself not to feel things I feel! And with a few exceptions I am not able to control how my feelings sometimes take me over and drag me by the nose and put me in all kinds of places and situations I don't want to be in.
My husband and I were going camping this weekend; I wanted to go but I was afraid -- I haven't had great experiences wtih this particular crowd though they advertise themselves as "radical inclusionaries." The afternoon he was to leave, I called him and said "I don't want you to go." What I meant to say, what I had called to say was "I want to go, too. I don't want you to leave me alone, I would feel really left out of the whole thing, of your whole life if you leave me alone." (Yes, I know, I was engaging in black and white thinking - it's something I do and I am usually not aware of it while I'm doing it. Bottom line is my fears took over and made me try to get him not to go, effectively making him angry at me and not all that interested in being with me in any place for any amount of time. :(
Anyway, how are you?
Kristine
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SF Bay Area
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